


Mr. Highway's Thinking About The End

by orphan_account



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Depressing, Depression, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, One Shot, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-16
Updated: 2014-03-16
Packaged: 2018-01-16 00:37:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1325200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I couldn't think of a summary, so I asked my wonderful best friend and that's what she said:</p><p>motherfuckin perfect but damn depressing oneshot bout frank and gee being cute and shit</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mr. Highway's Thinking About The End

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! 
> 
> I really enjoy reading depressing one shots, so I tried to write one. I don't think it's too horrible.
> 
> Title is stolen from ADTR and they stole it from the movie The Good Son I think.
> 
> I hope this is as good as my best friend said it was.

“Promise me you won't do it again.” he whispers, his breath warm against his boyfriend's neck. Gerard pretends to be asleep, thinking Frank bought it. That's a mistake he often makes: He underestimates how well Frank knows him and how much he means to the younger man he shares his life with. He's nothing special, why would anyone like him? Why would Frank bother to notice the difference between his breathing when he sleeps and how he breathes when he overthinks everything before drifting silently crying off to sleep? “Don't shut me out like this, Gerard.” Frank whispers again, a hint of sadness in his voice. The older man doesn't answer. He can't make promises he won't keep. Eventually he feels Frank relaxing behind him, his arm on Gerard's clothed waist going loose, his breathing in Gerard's neck becoming regular. That's when all the bad thoughts hit him.  
  
Even though Frank says that it's alright when Gerard cries, that he wants to be there for him, Gerard can't quite bring himself to bother him with his stupid, never ending sadness. Frank can't be strong enough for the both of them, Gerard knows that, he's a rational, sensible man. The problem is, when Frank loves a person, he gives everything he's got. He's the kind of guy who would let you live with him if you couldn't pay your bills or your landlord kicked you out. And he sure as hell would risk losing his beautiful smile that makes Gerard smile sometimes to help his depressed boyfriend. Gerard could be a selfish asshole and stress out Frank with his immature problems. Well, he already is a fucking burden to the younger man, but he can't live without him. That's just not happening. So it's either destroy Frank or be a bit of a burden to him. Gerard's not that selfish, so he chose latter. Again, Frank wouldn't say no. He isn't sensible enough to say _Hey Gee, I really love you, but you putting so much weight on me isn't healthy and I can't do this anymore, please go see a shrink, someone who is able to help you_ , really, that would be the best thing to say, because Frank isn't a professional, he doesn't know how to deal with other people's problems without letting them eat him alive. But Frank doesn't realize that, doesn't realize that he can't be strong enough for the two of them. He loves Gerard and he wants to do whatever is needed to get him out of his sad, black hole. That's how Frank sees it.  
  
Another reason why Gerard doesn't want to tell Frank is that he doesn't know why he's so sad these days, why he barely smiles without looking like he's in pain, why he sleeps all day and can't be a decent boyfriend. It's not like there was this huge event that made him slip into depression. It kind of just happened. Truth is, he doesn't know when it happened. Frank told him once that he remembers a time, seven or eight years ago, when Gerard was in college, when the older man was quite joyful. Not like Frank, though. He's never been like that and he probably isn't going to be so cheerful, so happy, so optimistic. But in his own way. He was more active in general. He talked more, he walked more upright, he didn't flinch when people tried to interact with him, he smiled. And, what's really important, he was a halfway decent boyfriend.  
  
It's not that he doesn't love Frank anymore, they didn't drift apart over the years. It's just that feeling isn't easy for Gerard. That's another thing he can't really explain or give reasons for. One time, Frank asked Gerard if he didn't love him anymore, because the older man had refused to kiss Frank, stopped changing clothes in front of him and ignored him for days. Of course, Frank knew of Gerard's low self-esteem, so he thought that's why they hadn't been intimate for months by then. But normally, Gerard loved listening to Frank's ranting, whether it was about a movie they had watched or a theory about life in outer space. And when Gerard avoided to be in the same room for over five minutes, Frank didn't know what to think other than that Gerard no longer loves him. So, Frank brought his doubt up. Gerard had looked up from a comic he pretended to read so Frank would leave him alone with wide, shocked eyes, blinked a few times and dropped his comic. Eventually he whispered “Why would I ever stop loving you?” and a first tear made its way toward his mouth. Frank knew immediately that Gerard wasn't acting heartbroken, he really thought the idea of him no longer loving Frank was something nobody should think of, not even for a second. After that, they talked a bit. Gerard explained that he had to face a few problems lately, Frank understood and didn't pressure him into really explaining anything, though he assured him that he would try to help him. That's how it's been since then: Gerard would become more distant, Frank would assure him that he'll be there for , Gerard would say something like _It's okay, I just have to deal with a few things, I'm gonna be normal again soon_ and then everything would go back to normal. Except, Gerard becomes sadder with every time he has to lie to Frank in order not to put too much weight on the younger man and Frank runs out of ideas why Gerard shuts him out. Their relationship isn't healthy for any of them but they love each other too much to see that.  
  
Gerard plugs the headphones of his iPod into his ears, turns the music up really loud to drown all the thoughts out and tries to sleep. His last thoughts are how perfect his boyfriend is and that Frank deserves someone much better than him. Someone who doesn't try to live off his horrible art because he's too fucking stupid to get a job. Someone who doesn't have a problem with being naked in front of his boyfriend. Someone who isn't ugly and fat.  
  
A few hours later, in the middle of the night, Frank wakes up and notices that Gerard's listening to too loud music again. Gerard started doing that a few weeks ago. Frank asked why he did that and how he was able to sleep with Glenn Danzig screaming into his ears, but Gerard just shrugged sleepily and said it would prevent that he overthinks everything. Frank takes the headphones gently out of his boyfriend's ears, switches the iPod off so the battery isn't going to die over night, places the small device on the bedside table on Gerard's side and snuggles closer to his boyfriend. His last thoughts are how perfect his boyfriend is and he really wishes Gerard would let him help him. He wishes Gerard could see how talented he is, how beautiful he is and that seeing him smile is all Frank wants.  
  
The first thing Gerard notices when he wakes up is that his iPod is on his bedside table, although he's pretty sure he fell asleep listening to music with it. The next thing he notices is that Frank isn't lying next to him. It's a weekday then, he thinks. That reminds him one more time of the fact that he lives mostly off Franks money. The money Frank works so hard for even though he always said he didn't want to work from nine to five, he didn't want to be another brick in the wall, to say it in Pink Floyd's words. The apartment is quit, not even the dogs are making a sound, so Gerard guesses Frank really is at work. Gerard can't talk himself into getting up. What for? He only lives for Frank and Frank is at work, so why the fuck should he leave his bed, the only place he feels safe at? He groans sleepily, closes his eyes again and goes back to sleep.  
  
A few hours later Frank comes home to find his boyfriend still sleeping. It makes him sad to see that Gerard doesn't have anything to get up for. He doesn't mind earning the money in their relationship, he would have to go to work anyway, even if he lived alone. But he thinks a job would help Gerard a little. Then he'd have to get up and maybe he'd see that he misses so much by sleeping all day. The dogs bark really loudly because Gerard hasn't fed them and Frank tries immediately to make them stop, but at the time he fills their bowls they already woke the older man up. He walks into the kitchen with his unruly bed hair and his oversized clothes that are supposed to hide his curvy body. Gerard sits down on a chair, looking more dead than alive and it's quite a sad sight, though his faces lightens a bit up when Frank places a mug of coffee in front of him, sits beside him and tells him how cute his hair looks.  
  
Frank cooks that night, then they cuddle on the couch and Frank watches TV while Gerard draws in his sketchbook. After the series Frank watched there's a show about mental illnesses and even though neither of them ever mentioned that Gerard could be mentally ill, Frank immediately switches the TV off and announces that he's going to bed, because it makes them both uncomfortable. Gerard says that he's going to continue drawing in bed because he doesn't want to be apart from Frank any longer. Frank smiles at that and thinks _Fuck yes, he's not distant today_. Gerard sits right away on the bed and gets comfortable with his sketchbook when Frank starts to undress and doesn't put another shirt on. He's only wearing boxer shorts when he slips under the covers and Gerard is afraid his boyfriend wants to have sex tonight. He tries to act like he doesn't notice that there's an almost naked, beautiful man next to him and focuses on drawing again. Frank didn't intend to push Gerard into having sex and even though it would be nice he respects that the older man doesn't want to. They never really talked about why they're never intimate these days, just like they never really talked about anything else. Frank leans against the headboard next to Gerard to watch him draw. Work was really exhausting but Frank feels like Gerard needs to be close to him right now, so he doesn't go to sleep yet. Instead he strokes Gerard's long hair out of his face, puts his head on his warm shoulder and tells him that he's really, really talented. Gerard relaxes a bit when Frank still hasn't tried anything that may lead to sex after a few minutes. Neither of them has said anything after Frank told him he was talented, but it's not an uncomfortable silence, though there's something that seems to scream _Talk to me_.  
  
When Gerard actually does something, he is really good at it and he puts much effort and time in it. That means, an hour later, they're still sitting there, Gerard drawing, Frank admiring his boyfriend and occasionally stroking his hair out of his face or kissing his neck very, very lightly. “I'm tired.” Frank says eventually and lays down. Gerard puts his drawing equipment away, turns the light out and lies down next to the younger man. They kiss before they go to sleep, which is something that has become quite unusual. _Maybe it's going to get better_ , Frank thinks. Gerard enjoys the last night with Frank, though he can't bring himself to have sex with him a last time.  
  
When Frank comes home from work the next day earlier than usual, the dogs don't bark, Gerard seems to have fed them. That is rather rare. He goes into the kitchen to make coffee, because he isn't sadistic enough to wake Gerard up without giving him coffee right away. There are two used mugs in the sink and Frank is pretty sure that he washed the dishes yesterday. So Gerard was long enough up to feed the dogs and use two mugs. That is extremely rare. He starts the coffee machine and goes to the bedroom. But Gerard isn't there. Next he looks in the tiny room the older man uses as an art studio. There is a canvas propped up on a tripod and Frank doesn't remember Gerard working on it. He takes a closer look. It's a painting of the two of them, they're both smiling. Gerard painted them from memory, Frank can tell, because this scene hasn't been captured on film and Gerard's face is simply wrong. He made his face look quite fat, eyes and eyebrows are extremely asymmetrical, his nose looks weird and his lips don't look as pretty as they really do. That's how Gerard sees himself, Frank realizes. It's making him really sad. The painted Frank is, simply put, gorgeous. Frank is amazed how perfectly Gerard painted his face, even though it was only from memory. Frank continues searching for Gerard. He calls him on his mobile phone, but he left it in their apartment. Frank even calls old friends of Gerard after a few hours. No one knows anything. They all haven't heard of him for a while. After that, Frank calls the police. “I think my boyfriend is going to commit suicide” he tells the police officer who tells him to calm down, they can't search for him yet, he's only missing for a few hours and he's over 18. Frank calls the poor guy names that will probably get him in trouble, but he doesn't care. He is fucking pissed. His suicidal, depressed boyfriend who tried to kill himself before is missing and those assholes that are supposed to help citizens don't care. He looks at the painting again. _Just give me a sign that he's okay_ , Frank thinks desperately. Then he turns the canvas around. He doesn't know why he did that. He didn't think about it. It just happened.  
  
There are three little words. Written in Gerard's feminine, curved handwriting.  
  
 _I am sorry._  
  
Frank calls the police again, crying, and tells them that he is absolutely sure that his boyfriend is going to commit suicide. Later they would tell him that it's already been too late at that time.  
  



End file.
